Just like our parents taught us, there’s a time and a place for everything. And farting is no different. While guys can be forward and direct and just let ‘em rip and talk about them (instead of feelings) for hours, for women, farting is an entirely different beast. So pay attention here, ladies, Farty Frieda is here to provide you with an invaluable lesson on letting the ass gas go.

As we all continue to learn and grow from others, it truly is my pleasure to share the secrets I’ve picked up from my variety of lovely lady friends when it comes to finding the right time, place and method to letting your trouser coughs go in front of loved ones new and old.  For me, my best first air biscuit in front of a loved one came when I was in the hospital – farting is the first sign that your body is working again after going under for surgery. It was a new relationship and for sure the best ice breaker. But we’re not all so (un)lucky to have a funny story like that.

Take my younger sister (please!) – she’s your average college kid, always has a date on Friday and Saturday nights, straight A student. But she can’t fart in front of anyone: mom, dad, boyfriends, cousins and she even blames the dog when she lets off an ass rocket. But she has owned a few choice bombs in her history after having her third glass of Pinot. For her, being connected to a fart is truly a feat worse than wearing white after Labor Day. But it sure is funny when her blush isn’t just from the vino. I keep telling her that the best way to release the butt hounds is to do it silently and have fun with it: hug a family member, let it slide then blame them! But no, she insists on excusing herself, walking to the restroom and releasing there. Or at a family barbecue, walking to the other side of the house. She might as well just carry a can of room spray she’s so polite.

For other hens in the house, subtlety is completely lost and they’d just rather take the fall for the rump shaker. Like my mom. Mom loves tushie trivia: Like finding the source of the gas leak in the house, she enjoys figuring out just what she ate that’s responsible for the assignation. Was it the tacos? The milk? The coffee? It’s like fart-accompanied multiple-choice exams. But fun. Her rumblers are less entertainment and more trivia, and it’s a great way to take the focus off the stench when the answer truly is dairy related.

Then there’s me, Farty Frieda. It used to be just Frieda. But like all good things, I like to take personal ownership of the tasks I’ve mastered, and farting is most certainly one of them. I name them: Dairy Doozies, Flame Throwers, Green Fogs, Lingerer, Loud But Proud, Machine Gunners and Singing Elephants. My theory is that the best way to let ’em fly is to just own it. Be proud!

So whether you’re hush-hush about the puffers, inquisitive about the source of the leak or you wear your stink bombs like a badge of pride, farting for women is truly a reflection of our personalities.

Keep it stinky,
Farty Frieda

Hey there pranksters! I’ve gotten a ton of requests for a prank-a-day, so I’m going to be starting that in April.  But in the meantime, here’s my thoughts on getting ready for our big day this year…

April Fool’s Day is like Christmas for pranksters. While some go all-out with festive holiday decorations and plan their decor well in advance, pranksters share that same enthusiasm for stink bombs, fake poo and all things stinky. While Christmas and April Fool’s Day have little in common, there is one thing that they do share: Planning is vital to a successful day.

Most of the great April Fool’s Day pranks require advance planning. Sometimes pranksters have to test their patience – long enough to wait the typical shipping time for StinksNThings.com’s products to arrive at your door – to pull off a successful “Gotcha!”

Some of the best April Fool’s pranks are really all about the basics. Every year as Prank Day rolls around, I tend to take a look back and reflect on some of my best work.

In my early days as a rookie prankster in the ’90s — when everyone had pagers instead of cell phones, I remember stumbling upon a toll-free 800 number for “large voluptuous women.” It was porn for the chubby set. And it was the funniest, free humor that I’d ever heard. So what’s a prankster to do? Page everyone with the number. Twenty-five friends, all getting an earful; it was great. And the best part was watching a classmate figure it out and the look on her face.

Some of the best pranks can be just about outsmarting the average guy. Like bringing in Oreo cookies to the office and instead of all the yummy cream filling, replace it with toothpaste and watch the comedy unfold on countless victims oblivious to 4/1/09. Or just switch the signs to the men’s and women’s restrooms at your office and watch and wait nearby. Or better yet, hide numerous alarm clocks all over your target’s room – set for all hours of the night, no less, and really have your way with them.

Other great pranks in history have gone big: Like the time in 1992 when National Public Radio’s “Talk of the Nation” program announced to listeners that Richard Nixon, in a surprise move, was running for president again with the campaign slogan of “I didn’t do anything wrong, and I won’t do it again.” NPR brought on a Nixon impersonator who did such a great job that the station was flooded with calls from shocked and outraged listeners.

If you don’t have grand plans for the Big Day, don’t fret. The basics are always a great way to celebrate April Fool’s, and StinksnThings has got you covered there. Start the day off with a stink: Stinks’ Party Pooper ($2.49) is a great way to shock the morning pooper in your household. Plop this fake poo on top of the toilet seat, or, kick it up a notch with Instant Poop in a Can ($4.49) for a custom defecation and stink up the joint with Liquid Ass ($5.99) and create a stench that makes the faux doodie even smell realistic.

Once you’re on your merry way, go play with strangers with Stinks’ Bill Snatcher ($1.49). Talk about a cheap and easy April Fool’s prank! Put your money to work and watch as greedy strangers lunge for bucks and get caught in the act when the retractable funds retreat into your grubby little paws.

Next, treat your buddies to lunch – and to the honor of driving your luxury ride. Toss them the keys to your shiny BMW, and watch them jump from the shock of setting off your faux car alarm remote with Stinks’ Shocking Car Door Opener ($7.99). The trick is twice and nice: not only will they literally be shocked, but there’s no way in hell you’re letting their spotty driving record get behind your wheel.

So really, whether your plans are simple or sadistic, the sooner you start planning, the more likely you are to have a raucous April Fool’s.

Let’s talk about gas. No, not the price of gas – though in this instance the price can be quite costly – we’re talking farts here, people. Silent But Deadly, Rippers and the Terd Burglars who are frequent offenders.

An old friend once gave me a copy of “Everyone Poops,” by Taro Gomi. It’s a great book for young kids and anyone who finds that sort of crap humorous (pun intended). While the ol’ Number Two happens to everyone, there’s a fine art involved with letting gas slide on the sly and doing the doo in public. So sit back and enjoy as StinksNThings.com takes a crap, er, crack at the do’s and don’ts of taking care everyone’s of business in a place of business.

It all starts with the fart, remember that kids. And when you feel nature’s call about to rear its ugly (turtle) head, think of yourself as a Crop Duster and go for a brisk walk around the office and share the wealth (or misfortune) of all that dairy you had for breakfast. One key tip in making the fart rounds – make sure you don’t bring your stink trail back to your cubicle, or you might as well may have sprayed Liquid Ass at your desk.

Once you’ve released your gaseous fumes but know that there’s a certain Act Number Two to follow, it’s time to start plotting your course of action. There’s the old Fly By – scouting your nearest bathroom for occupants – or go on the hunt for Safe Havens, those rarely used bathrooms further from your desk and less likely to get you the nickname Super Pooper.

Now that you’ve found a stall and you’re ready to release the hounds, it’s time to go on tactical alert: Once you’ve taken a seat, anything can happen. Be prepared for the Jail Break – the machine-gun ripping farts whose surprise attack even surprised you. But worse than the Jail Break – by far more embarrassing as well – is the Watermelon. That’s right, the Watermelon: a poo that is so enormous that it creates a splash loud enough to win eight Olympic gold medals. While the Watermelon can empty some water from the bowl, it pales in comparison to the Havana Omelette – yep, diarrhea that creates not one, not two, but a full series of loud splashes. The farts that often go along with the doo are just the tip of the iceberg. It’s the smell that will curl your eyelashes. The stench is so bad that it’s like having a seventh grade flashback to when you first learned of the potency of stink bombs when you mistakenly broke one in your pocket. The stench seems to follow you for hours. But don’t worry, Stinks’, and our years of public pooping, can help.

While everyone will have these unfortunate events happen at the most inopportune times, there is hope in saving your oh-so-valuable reputation: the Courtesy Flush. When the turtle’s head severs, hit the flusher. Don’t wait, just do it. You’ll save yourself – and the Uncle Ted bathroom lingerer – from being tormented by the sad scent of last night’s bar tab. And if that solution isn’t subtle enough, try the Camo-Cough, your smoker’s cough that covers the splash – but not the stench – of your burrito.

So just remember that while there are limited ways to concealing nature’s less-than-great miracles, the only true safe way to do the doo is to do it at home.