Everyone does it. Nobody wants to admit it…Passing gas. Farting. Or worse, sharting — eeck! And just like most are quick to blame their neighbor in cubicle land for that silent but deadly one, everyone has a term for it.

So behold The Fart List! I’m starting with the first 100 terms I found. It’s here that you’ll find every term for that funny act of  ass rumbling:  from the classic (Flatulence) to the crazy (the Mariah Carey), just let  one rip and have fun reading.

Please help me build the biggest list of names for farts on Facebook!  Share your comments and additions to this List on my FACEBOOK GROUP, “MY BIG FAT FART LIST.“

The First 100…

1. Air biscuit
2. Anal acoustics
3. Arse cruncher
4. Ass explosions
5. Ass rumble
6. Assignation
7. Backfire
8. Balloon fart
9. Barking spider
10. Barn burner
11. Backdraft
12. Backwards burp
13. Beefer
14. Bender
15. Black cloud
16. Blanket ripper
17. Blowing dust
18. Blowing off steam
19. Blowing the trumpet
20. Booty bomb
21. Bowel howel
22. Break wind
23. Breezers
24. Brown mist
25. Brown thumper
26. Cheek flapper
27. Country cough
28. Crop dusting
29. Cut the cheese
30. Cut one
31. Dairy doozie
32. Dropping a bomb
33. Emission
34. Escapee
35. Fartknocker
36. Flame-thrower
37. Flatulence
38. Fly by
39. Foghorn
40. Green fog
41. Grumpys
42. Harley Davidsons
43. Hershey squirt
44. Honker
45. Jailbreak
46. Lay an egg
47. Let a toot then shoot
48. Let one fly
49. Let one rip
50. Lingerer
51. Loud but proud
52. Low rider
53. Machine gunners
54. Make a stink
55. Makin’ rainbows
56. Mariah Carey (because her voice)
57. Matchlighter
58. Muff guff
59. Nether belch
60. Nut knocker
61. One cheek sneak
62. Paint peeler
63. Pass gas
64. Pfffft
65. Playing the butt tuba
66. Poot
67. Popcorn
68. Poppers
69. Puffer
70. Queef
71. Racing stripes
72. Rapid fire
73. Releasing the hounds
74. Rippers
75. Roar from the rear
76. Rumbler
77. Running buffalos
78. Shart
79. Shoots
80. Shooting the breeze
81. Singing elephants
82. Sporting ducks
83. Stench trail
84. Silent but deadly
85. Silent but violent
86. Skunk
87. Stink bomb
88. Stink pot
89. Stinkin’ up the battleship
90. Squeeze me’s
91. Tankers
92. Tear-jerker
93. Thunder from down under
94. Toot
95. Trouser cough
96. Water bubbles
97. Wet willy
98. Windmaker
99. Window rattler
100. Zipper

So whether you’re loud but proud or silent but deadly, rest assured that as time (and gas) passes, more terms will be coined for the stinker in you.

PS.  PASS IT ON

Let’s talk about gas. No, not the price of gas – though in this instance the price can be quite costly – we’re talking farts here, people. Silent But Deadly, Rippers and the Terd Burglars who are frequent offenders.

An old friend once gave me a copy of “Everyone Poops,” by Taro Gomi. It’s a great book for young kids and anyone who finds that sort of crap humorous (pun intended). While the ol’ Number Two happens to everyone, there’s a fine art involved with letting gas slide on the sly and doing the doo in public. So sit back and enjoy as StinksNThings.com takes a crap, er, crack at the do’s and don’ts of taking care everyone’s of business in a place of business.

It all starts with the fart, remember that kids. And when you feel nature’s call about to rear its ugly (turtle) head, think of yourself as a Crop Duster and go for a brisk walk around the office and share the wealth (or misfortune) of all that dairy you had for breakfast. One key tip in making the fart rounds – make sure you don’t bring your stink trail back to your cubicle, or you might as well may have sprayed Liquid Ass at your desk.

Once you’ve released your gaseous fumes but know that there’s a certain Act Number Two to follow, it’s time to start plotting your course of action. There’s the old Fly By – scouting your nearest bathroom for occupants – or go on the hunt for Safe Havens, those rarely used bathrooms further from your desk and less likely to get you the nickname Super Pooper.

Now that you’ve found a stall and you’re ready to release the hounds, it’s time to go on tactical alert: Once you’ve taken a seat, anything can happen. Be prepared for the Jail Break – the machine-gun ripping farts whose surprise attack even surprised you. But worse than the Jail Break – by far more embarrassing as well – is the Watermelon. That’s right, the Watermelon: a poo that is so enormous that it creates a splash loud enough to win eight Olympic gold medals. While the Watermelon can empty some water from the bowl, it pales in comparison to the Havana Omelette – yep, diarrhea that creates not one, not two, but a full series of loud splashes. The farts that often go along with the doo are just the tip of the iceberg. It’s the smell that will curl your eyelashes. The stench is so bad that it’s like having a seventh grade flashback to when you first learned of the potency of stink bombs when you mistakenly broke one in your pocket. The stench seems to follow you for hours. But don’t worry, Stinks’, and our years of public pooping, can help.

While everyone will have these unfortunate events happen at the most inopportune times, there is hope in saving your oh-so-valuable reputation: the Courtesy Flush. When the turtle’s head severs, hit the flusher. Don’t wait, just do it. You’ll save yourself – and the Uncle Ted bathroom lingerer – from being tormented by the sad scent of last night’s bar tab. And if that solution isn’t subtle enough, try the Camo-Cough, your smoker’s cough that covers the splash – but not the stench – of your burrito.

So just remember that while there are limited ways to concealing nature’s less-than-great miracles, the only true safe way to do the doo is to do it at home.

It all starts with Selection Sunday – March 15, 2009. Then, two days later, March Madness kicks off with its opening-round game. Bored yet? But for what seems like the better part of the population, college basketball’s annual championship tournament takes over idle office chatter at the water cooler and sucks all the fun out of weekend TV viewing. Unless, of course, you’re a fan, then all bets are off.

Whether you’re a hoops fan or just have the misfortune of sharing space with ’em this March, get ready to inject some humor into the seriousness of the NCAA’s tournament, courtesy of StinksNThings.com, your online destination for gag gifts, practical jokes and lots of stinky stuff like Liquid ass and Stink Bombs!

Get your game on – and save a few bucks on beverages when you overpay for your ticket into the games – with Stinks’ Booze Belly Flask ($12.99). Consisting of a pouch that allows fans to comfortably – and secretly and securely – bring booze into games undetected. Designed with an elastic waistband that fits all adults, the pouch holds 750ml (about 25 ounces) and comes with a straw valve to stop the flow and avoid embarrassing spills. Imagine never having to leave your seat when the clock winds down during a close game and keep your cash for the next round – or to compete in another bracket pool!

For fans enjoying the countless games in front of the tube at home, consider Stinks’ Cowboy Boot Mug ($3.99) for the hoopster who has everything but wants to root Texas in a very stylish fashion. Big enough to hold a 12-ounce brew, this novelty mug has great curves. Made of plastic, there’s no danger of this mug getting the boot when the game takes a surprising last-second turn.

For those who want to shoot hoops in any way they can, Stinks’ Cheering Basketball Hoop ($12.99) is easily affixed to the top of any wastebasket. Sinking that three-pointer never felt so good as you’ll hear the roar of the crowd thanks to the included vibration string.

And there’s no better way to tell roommates, girlfriends and spouses that you’re entrenched in the game – and maybe a little inebriated – than with Stinks’ Beer Mug Hat ($6.99). Coming in at a whopping 18 inches the soft plus head topper really will be the foam on top of a great game.

So be it a Booze Belly Flask for bringing the hard stuff in to watch your team take on the competition of the NCAA Championship or a chicks-will-dig-it Beer Mug Hat, Stinks has everything you need to enjoy the tournament. And just think, even if your top-ranked team is the shocker of the tourney and gets knocked out by some no-name school, you can still hear the roar of the crowd with Stinks’ Cheering Basketball Hoop and drown your sorrows with the Cowboy Boot Mug . All bets are off when it comes to March Madness, but one thing is certain: Stinks won’t be the team that breaks your heart.

Stink it up!
~steven